Schensul: Clothing overboard

Clothing-optional cruise.

At first I couldn’t picture it.

Then I could.

Either way, it didn’t seem pretty. I mean, the mere sight of some supersize tourist in a Speedo can make me lose my appetite.

But sans even Speedo? A whole cruise ship full of sailors in birthday suits?

Yes, apparently. This kind of ship happens.

A company called Desire's second clothing-optional cruise will sail the Mediterranean, from Barcelona to Rome, in April 2018, according to the press release (yes, my mailbox does provide endless entertainment – and enlightenment).

“Venice Foreplay,” the aptly named first cruise, sails the Adriatic Sea with ports in Croatia and Slovenia along the way.

Desire (desire-experience.com), which also has clothing-optional resorts in the Caribbean, is a division of the Original Group Inc., a Mexican company with over 35 years in the adults-only travel biz.

It seems the sea was the final, or at least the newest, frontier for the clothing-averse.

Further investigation revealed that these cruises “ensure a truly original temperature-rising experience.”  There are private playrooms, adult-oriented entertainment, “sensual staterooms” and “provocative theme nights, spicy daytime events and couples’ workshops letting passengers get in touch with their romantic, sensual side.”

The press info also said there was fantastic food. I guess you don’t have to watch your weight at that point. It’s too late to diet, and if you gain weight (as many do) on a cruise, at least you don’t have to worry about breathing in your increasingly uncomfortable cruise wear.

I knew about naked travel on land, of course. That seemed sort of, well, natural. Vacationers wanting to get back to basics, frolicking in secluded enclaves – the forest, the beach, whatever. They were private, remote, exclusive.

But a cruise? That was so much more … exposed.

I imagined being on one of these clothing-optional cruises as an innocent bystander – because there are often special groups on general sailings. Stumbling out onto the Lido Deck for a bit of sun around the pool, only to find a sea of unclad flesh. I wondered if I would venture out of my room if I knew I would probably have to make small talk – at the art auction, in the dining room, at the gift shop – with my clothing-free, inhibition-free and no doubt hormonally hyperactive shipmates.

I – and those who share my sensitivity to Speedos, etc. – needn’t worry. The cruises are aboard a full charter – you could call it a vessel for Desire. The actual ship is not named at first, but with digging, it appears Desire will be taking over the 690-passenger Azamara Quest.

Also, clothing is required in some areas of the ship – the dining room being one of the most notable.

Desire isn’t alone at sea, either.

Castaways Travel, which created a stir in 2004 when it launched the first clothing-optional airline, Naked-Air (to provide flights to its Hidden Beach Resort Au Naturel Club in Playa del Carmen, Mexico), opened a new cruise brand in 2014. Bliss Cruises (blisscruise.com) sponsors and charters adult, clothing-optional ​cruises on luxury vessels for couples only. They’ve got three sailings scheduled so far through 2018. Among the ships they’ve chartered are the 2,000-passenger Celebrity Summit, the 2,000-plus-passenger Celebrity Equinox and the Royal Caribbean’s 3,600-passenger Freedom of the Seas.

The trips attract the “open-minded” type of cruise aficionado, “lifestyle couples, nudists, voyeurs and exhibitionists, as well as curious individuals looking to experience something different from the conventional cruise vacation,“ according to its website.

Bliss offers cruise itineraries in the Caribbean, where it has arranged for clothing-optional land excursions in all of Bliss' ports of call. Hopefully, the locals have been notified and won't be surprised. ...

As I was. Just reading about it. But then, a ship in some respects is well-suited to the birthday-suited. Cruises are known for their variety of activities, venues, recreational options. You can sit in the sun, or hide away in a library; meet new people in the hot tub or spend the afternoon alone on your stateroom balcony. For those who are involved in this type of lifestyle, it’s like a convention of sorts. For those who might want to test the waters, well, where better than a cruise ship – if you hate it, just go lock the door to your room (room service is 24/7).

And there is one real advantage, I realized, as I read the practical-tips section of one nude cruise and got to the section headed "luggage."

It reminded me of my grandma’s cruise experience years ago. She had been so excited before her Alaska cruise. The icebergs! The animals! The formal nights! But when she came back, the thing she talked about most was having to sail before the airline found her luggage –which never did arrive. “I had to borrow underwear,” said my very classy Grandma Florence, with a twinge of horror.

Lost luggage on a Desire cruise? No big deal.

In fact, suitcase schmutcase. Who needs anything but carry-on for a vacation aboard a nude cruise?